When Your Body Keeps the Score: How a Childhood Memory Was Running My Adult Life
Sometimes your logical mind says you're safe, but your body tells a completely different story.
I was standing in a room full of successful businesswomen, holding my coffee and catching up with colleagues in the Video Game Industry. This should have been my element—networking, connecting, sharing ideas. I'd done this hundreds of times before.
We were there to meet other like women and to share our experience in the industry. I was seated with my team, preparing for what I wanted to say. Then, without warning, my heart started racing. My palms became sweaty. My chest tightened. The unfamiliar wave of panic began to rise, and I couldn't understand why.
Logically, I knew I was safe. These were my peers, my community. We were talking about normal business things in an intimate venue. There was no real threat, no actual danger. So why was my body acting like I was in immediate peril?
This disconnect between my rational mind and my body's response had been happening for years but not at this intensity, and I couldn’t "think" my way out of it. I didn’t understand what had happened.
That's when I discovered Rapid Transformational Therapy and everything changed.
The Problem with Outdated Internal Software
Here's what I've come to understand: we're all walking around with internal programming that was installed years—sometimes decades—ago. Think of it like your smartphone's operating system.
Imagine if you were still running iOS 1 on your iPhone today. It would be slow, glitchy, and completely incompatible with current apps and functions. You'd be frustrated every time you tried to use it because it wasn't designed for today's demands.
This is exactly what happens with our subconscious programming.
When we're children, our minds download "software" based on our experiences. This programming is designed to keep us safe and help us navigate our world. But what worked for us as a 7-year-old might be completely irrelevant—or even harmful—to our 35-year-old self.
The problem is, most of this programming runs in the background. We're not consciously aware of it, just like we're not thinking about our phone's operating system while we're texting. But when that old programming gets triggered, our body responds as if we're still in that original situation.
When Past Programming Hijacks the Present
For me, networking events kept triggering something I couldn't identify. My logical adult brain knew these were safe, professional environments. But my body was running a completely different program—one that said being visible, speaking up, and drawing attention to myself was dangerous.
I tried everything to "fix" this:
Breathing exercises (helped temporarily)
Positive self-talk (worked until it didn't)
Pushing through the anxiety (exhausting and unsustainable)
Avoiding networking altogether (limiting my business growth)
Nothing created lasting change because I was trying to update my external behavior without addressing the internal programming that was causing it.
The RTT Discovery: Understanding How the Mind Really Works
I first discovered Marisa Peer and Rapid Transformational Therapy through her teachings about how the mind actually works. The way she explained the subconscious mind, how beliefs are formed, and why our bodies respond the way they do—it all just made sense to me. I was hooked.
When the opportunity came up to train as an RTT practitioner in London, I knew I had to take it. Not just to learn the method, but because I needed to understand what was really happening in my own mind and body.
It was during my training, in my first RTT session as a client, that everything clicked. While in a relaxed, hypnotic state, my subconscious mind took me back to a memory I hadn't thought about in decades. I was seven years old, at home with my family, when we experienced a home invasion.
The details aren't what matter—what matters is what my seven-year-old mind learned in that moment: Stay quiet. Don't draw attention to yourself. Visibility and speaking out equals danger. Your safety depends on being invisible and not making a sound.
This programming made perfect sense for a seven-year-old in a genuinely dangerous situation. It was actually protective and appropriate. But that same programming, still running in the background 25+ years later, was completely inappropriate for an adult professional trying to network and grow her business.
The Mind-Body Connection Finally Made Sense
Suddenly, everything clicked. My body wasn't overreacting at networking events, it was doing exactly what it had been programmed to do. When I walked into a room full of people and prepared to "be visible" and share about my work, my subconscious alarm system went off:
"Danger! Visibility and speaking out is dangerous! You need to hide and stay quiet to stay safe!"
My nervous system would flood with stress hormones, my heart would race, and my body would prepare for fight-or-flight, all because my internal iOS was still running programming from decades earlier.
This is the profound truth about the mind-body connection: your body isn't separate from your mind. They're constantly communicating, and your body will always respond to what your subconscious mind believes to be true, regardless of what your logical mind knows.
Updating My Internal Operating System
Through RTT, I was able to do something remarkable: I could speak directly to my seven-year-old self and update that outdated programming.
I was able to help her understand that:
She was incredibly brave and did exactly the right thing in that scary situation
The danger was over and had been over for decades
As an adult, I was safe and capable of protecting myself
Visibility in professional settings was not only safe but beneficial
I could speak up, share my ideas, and connect with others without any threat to my safety
The transformation wasn't just intellectual, it was visceral. I could feel something shift in my body as this old programming was finally updated to reflect my current reality.
When Programming Updates, Everything Changes
The next networking event I attended felt completely different. Not because the environment had changed, but because my internal response to it had been updated.
I walked into the room and... nothing. No racing heart, no sweaty palms, no panic rising in my chest. My body finally understood what my mind had always known: I was safe.
But the changes went far beyond networking events. When your foundational programming gets updated, it affects everything:
Speaking up in meetings became natural instead of anxiety-provoking
Sharing my work on social media felt exciting rather than terrifying
Taking up space in conversations and relationships became comfortable
Pursuing visibility for my business stopped feeling like a threat
It was like my entire system had been upgraded to run on current software instead of a decades-old version that was no longer serving me.
The Universal Truth About Childhood Programming
Here's what I've learned both from my own experience and from working with clients: we're all walking around with some version of outdated programming.
Maybe your seven-year-old self learned:
"Don't be too much—people will leave"
"You have to be perfect to be loved"
"There's not enough to go around"
"Your needs don't matter"
"It's not safe to trust people"
These beliefs might have made sense in your childhood context, but they're probably creating problems in your adult life. The issue isn't that you formed these beliefs—as children, we do the best we can with limited information. The issue is that we never updated them.
Your Body Knows What Your Mind Has Forgotten
One of the most profound things I learned through this experience is that your body holds memories and programming that your conscious mind might not even remember.
I hadn't thought about that home invasion in years. Consciously, I didn't connect it to my networking anxiety at all. But my body remembered everything, and it was still trying to protect me based on that seven-year-old's understanding of safety.
This is why purely mental approaches to healing often fall short. You can't think your way out of programming that's stored in your nervous system. You have to work at the level where the programming exists—in the subconscious and in the body.
Signs You Might Be Running Outdated Programming
If you recognize any of these patterns, you might be operating on some outdated internal software:
Physical responses that don't match the situation:
Anxiety in safe environments
Panic during normal activities
Tension or stress without a clear cause
Body reactions that feel "bigger" than what's actually happening
Repeated patterns that don't make logical sense:
Self-sabotage when things are going well
Difficulty receiving compliments or success
Pushing people away when they get close
Avoiding opportunities that would benefit you
Thoughts that feel automatic and hard to change:
"I'm not good enough"
"Something bad will happen if I'm happy"
"I can't trust anyone"
"I have to do everything perfectly"
The Power of Understanding Your Own Programming
Getting curious about your own programming isn't about blaming your past or finding someone to fault. It's about understanding that your subconscious mind was doing its job—trying to keep you safe based on the information it had at the time.
The beautiful thing is that once you understand what programming is running in the background, you can choose to update it. You're not stuck with the beliefs and responses you formed as a child. Just like you can update your phone's operating system, you can update your internal programming to serve your current life.
What's Possible When You Update Your Internal iOS
When you align your subconscious programming with your adult reality, everything becomes easier:
Confidence feels natural instead of forced
Decisions come from clarity rather than fear
Relationships deepen because you're not constantly defending against imaginary threats
Opportunities excite you instead of overwhelming you
Your nervous system can relax because it's not constantly scanning for danger that doesn't exist
Your Invitation to Explore
If you've read this far, something in this story probably resonated with you. Maybe you recognize the disconnect between what your mind knows and what your body feels. Maybe you're tired of responses that seem bigger than the situation warrants.
The truth is, we all have some version of outdated programming running in the background. The question isn't whether you have it—it's whether you're ready to become aware of it and choose something different.
Your seven-year-old self (or five-year-old or ten-year-old) did the best they could with the information they had. They developed beliefs and responses that helped them navigate their world. But you're not seven anymore. You have adult resources, adult understanding, and adult capabilities.
You deserve to live from your current reality, not your childhood programming.
Ready to Update Your Internal Operating System?
If you're curious about what programming might be running in your background, if you're tired of responses that don't match your current reality, or if you're ready to align your mind and body around the truth of who you are today—there are powerful tools available to help you make that shift.
Whether through RTT, other therapeutic approaches, or simply becoming more aware of your patterns, the first step is recognizing that change is possible. You're not stuck with the programming you downloaded as a child.
Your adult self deserves software that actually works for the life you're living now.
If this story resonates with you and you're curious about exploring your own subconscious programming, I'd love to support you in that journey. Sometimes all it takes is one conversation to start updating the software that's been running your life.
Because you deserve to live from your truth, not your childhood fears.